I don't know who else to talk to. I don't know why I am finding it such a struggle to manage my emotions at the moment but I am crying (again). I feel as though I have gone back to square one. Feeling like I did when Daddy Doo first moved out. I know it was for the right decision and everything and it's not him per say that I miss. I am just missing the family dynamic I guess, especially today.
Today I received this in the post:
This leaflet describes the changes the government are making to people who receive Housing Benefit. I am one of those people. So as of April 2013 my Housing Benefit will be reduced by 14% as I am living in a three bedroomed privately rented house when I am not entitled to live in one. I don't receive the full rental amount as it is so with this reduction will be a considerable and very noticable drop. Along with the leaflet came a letter which says that I will now have to start paying a reduced Council Tax fee also, which up until now has been paid since I became a single parent in 2011. I was recently warned at a 'back to work' meeting with the Job Centre that from April 2014 (which may be changing to April 2013) I will have to change from my Income Support benefit to Jobseekers Allowance. Again another drop in income etc.
These changes imply that I cannot afford to stay where I am living unless I get a high paying job immediately. I have been applying my socks off but not even getting an interview. I haven't worked full time in four years and though I have added an extra qualification to my existing degree in that time it still doesn't count. Even all the cleaning jobs advertised in the paper require you to have your own transport. I don't have a car and cannot rely on anyone for reliable lifts, and quite frankly at almost 30 I really shouldn't have to. The bank wont lend to me to get a car until I have a contract from an employer as 'people like me are a liability'.
If you recall I mentioned a while back on my Twittter account I talked about getting away from benefits altogether and really standing on my own two feet. I feel like the rug has just been snatched out from underneath me and now I'm swimming against the tide while someone times me. I hate the stipulation that comes with saying I am a single parent on benefits and the looks I have from some people is reduces me to tears. All the while I am trying to work, give Youngling the best upbringing and educate him so well that he never EVER has to find himself in this situation. I wouldn't wish the constant worry and anxiety on anyone.
On 6th March it is Youngling's 4th birthday, which is always an emotional time anyway for obvious reasons, but now I am feeling the added pressure on my shoulders. I feel so lost and not in control of anything at the moment. I feel so alone and yet I have pushed some people away lately because I cannot trust their good intentions. I feel undeserving of them. How can I introduce anyone new into our situation? How can I be worthy of someone elses love when I do not love myself for letting things get this way. I cannot help but feel that daily struggles to keep my head above water may be a life long punishment from my actions in the past. My total disregard from life and selfish attitude. I am and will be eternally guilty for that.
All this is irrelevant in the rand scheme of things, I'm truly aware of that. In order to be there for others I need some security otherwise I'll lose what's left of my sanity. I know this and yet I still cannot let go. The one constant is Youngling and his health and happiness. I know that that is all down to me and believe me when I say I am trying my damned hardest. It really is just he and I against the world.
We'll get there, I know it will all be ok. It has to be. I just needed to let it out.
Love MM xx