I don't know who else to talk to. I don't know why I am finding it such a struggle to manage my emotions at the moment but I am crying (again). I feel as though I have gone back to square one. Feeling like I did when Daddy Doo first moved out. I know it was for the right decision and everything and it's not him per say that I miss. I am just missing the family dynamic I guess, especially today.
Today I received this in the post:
This leaflet describes the changes the government are making to people who receive Housing Benefit. I am one of those people. So as of April 2013 my Housing Benefit will be reduced by 14% as I am living in a three bedroomed privately rented house when I am not entitled to live in one. I don't receive the full rental amount as it is so with this reduction will be a considerable and very noticable drop. Along with the leaflet came a letter which says that I will now have to start paying a reduced Council Tax fee also, which up until now has been paid since I became a single parent in 2011. I was recently warned at a 'back to work' meeting with the Job Centre that from April 2014 (which may be changing to April 2013) I will have to change from my Income Support benefit to Jobseekers Allowance. Again another drop in income etc.
These changes imply that I cannot afford to stay where I am living unless I get a high paying job immediately. I have been applying my socks off but not even getting an interview. I haven't worked full time in four years and though I have added an extra qualification to my existing degree in that time it still doesn't count. Even all the cleaning jobs advertised in the paper require you to have your own transport. I don't have a car and cannot rely on anyone for reliable lifts, and quite frankly at almost 30 I really shouldn't have to. The bank wont lend to me to get a car until I have a contract from an employer as 'people like me are a liability'.
If you recall I mentioned a while back on my Twittter account I talked about getting away from benefits altogether and really standing on my own two feet. I feel like the rug has just been snatched out from underneath me and now I'm swimming against the tide while someone times me. I hate the stipulation that comes with saying I am a single parent on benefits and the looks I have from some people is reduces me to tears. All the while I am trying to work, give Youngling the best upbringing and educate him so well that he never EVER has to find himself in this situation. I wouldn't wish the constant worry and anxiety on anyone.
On 6th March it is Youngling's 4th birthday, which is always an emotional time anyway for obvious reasons, but now I am feeling the added pressure on my shoulders. I feel so lost and not in control of anything at the moment. I feel so alone and yet I have pushed some people away lately because I cannot trust their good intentions. I feel undeserving of them. How can I introduce anyone new into our situation? How can I be worthy of someone elses love when I do not love myself for letting things get this way. I cannot help but feel that daily struggles to keep my head above water may be a life long punishment from my actions in the past. My total disregard from life and selfish attitude. I am and will be eternally guilty for that.
All this is irrelevant in the rand scheme of things, I'm truly aware of that. In order to be there for others I need some security otherwise I'll lose what's left of my sanity. I know this and yet I still cannot let go. The one constant is Youngling and his health and happiness. I know that that is all down to me and believe me when I say I am trying my damned hardest. It really is just he and I against the world.
We'll get there, I know it will all be ok. It has to be. I just needed to let it out.
Love MM xx
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5 comments:
Firstly, being a single parent is the hardest job in the world so please don't be hard on your self. As parents we always want nothing but the best for our kids and we would die giving it to them, but the truth is that right at this very moment all they need is love and caring from their mummy (which we can all see you are giving and then some).
21 February 2013 15:24We've all done things in the past which we regreat and feel we need to be punished for and I'm speaking from experience so I know exactly what you're talking about, but the reality is we don't get punished for it. We make decisions for what is right for us at that moment. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but hey, that's life. Some of the things that are happening to you are not in your control so you have to let the guilt go. You are working so hard that no one could ever accuse you otherwise. You are faced with a shitty system that is trying to keep you down but I suspect that once you pick your self up you will kick it's shitty little ass and give them a big middle finger!
Please don't feel you have to push people away hun as the people who love you will only want to try and help and I know it's hard to let them in but you'll feel so much better once you do (again I'm talking from experience)
It will all be ok, it will be hard but you will be so much better at the end and we are all here to help if and when you need us and if you let us. Keep your chin up lovely lady x
Hey makeshift mummy! My man always tells me live with the here and now! Ask yourself these questions that relate to you going to work? Can u afford child care? Who will look after little one in the school holidays? Are you better to wait until little one to start school? Living in a world of loneliness and your own questions that go round and round in your head drive you to the point of unthinkable return!! Life is not easy for mums as there is a lot of pressure that goes with being a mum it is not just ourselves we think of anymore is our children as well! Many people are fortunate enough to have people to look after there children and help out in a blink of an eye lid, in which is definately not me! Struggling with life is not easy I will attend college when my youngest one starts school in Sept maybe that should be a starting point for you? I am sure u will get help with finances if u are studying them if u get a qualification where u are garrenteed work in? That's wat is the struggle now days u can get a qualification in something but is there a career at the end of it? Try not to get down trust me i have these problems everyday feeling lonely in my own world wishing someone would get it!
21 February 2013 15:40Take care
Xxxx
Right listen here you! You are wonderful and will find great paid employment, You are smart, imaginative, flexible and a great communicator. It doesn't help that you're now under a time restriction to get a job but keep you head up, keep faith in God and you will rise.
21 February 2013 19:32Love you to bits and hate to hear you feeling like this and not be able to help.
I will keep my ear to the ground and send anything I see your way! xxx
Oh Kate, I didn't realise quite how badly the changes will affect you.
21 February 2013 21:31You are so strong and positive and all of that is a lot to deal with on your own.
You keep pushing those doors and with your faith and strength one will open, I am sure of it. Xx
Thank you so much for your warm words which have given me strength and hope and I promise not to dwell and bore you any further. There are so many people worse off than me and mine so I must try to work in a way to help them too.
Much love and thanks
Kate xx
26 February 2013 13:59
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